Coal gray ominous clouds hovered the mountain pass as I ascended the big hill. Another workday in Prescott with Paige, and I wasn’t sure what was going to be at the top of this mountain. Certainly, the air is cooler in the valley. Will it rain? Thirty miles outside of Prescott, small flecks of white began to spit at my windshield: snow. The red rocks on the shoulder barely glistened, but there was enough for a white accumulation to appear. It is a new season.

Growing up the daughter of a farmer, the weather has always been a point of conversation. But since moving to the desert of Arizona, it has really become a centerpiece. Rain has been absent from the forecast, but today gave me hope that it will rain soon. Most team ropers down here would tell you that the lack of rain has been a blessing, meaning more days to rope outside. I, however, thoroughly enjoy a cleansing rain, the sound, the smell, and the new life.

Last Monday when I wrote to you all, I had just power washed my trailer to list for sale in preparation for my new one. When I wrote about mindset and walking into a new thing, I didn’t realize how much I would be again tested on it this week. Community is so important in our journeys and being able to call on those who can powerfully pray and lift us up.

As the week progressed, I could feel a pull in my spirit that I needed to come up higher and respond with more faith. Why wasn’t I getting it? I just wrote about it, why is it so hard to walk it? The frustrations came from the pressures I had put on myself. Little did I know, the pressure washing I did on my trailer on Monday, would lead to some pressure cleansing on my mind.

I’m not sure how many of you have cleaned out a stock or horse trailer before, but it’s a process. Outside is one thing. My dad still coaches me to work in sections, not too big of sections, and be sure the scrub brush and pressure wash hits everything. The inside is a whole other ballgame. Even after sweeping out the mats, pulling them out, and scrubbing the floors, it seems like whenever I turn around, there’s a splash of dirt, a stuck piece of shavings, or a mark I thought I removed that stubbornly reappears.

It isn’t a one pass process cleaning the inside of a trailer. And it is messy. I can keep pretty clean pressure washing the outside, but the inside? There’s no promises. For every next layer of cleaning, there’s an additional sweep of the pressure washer that needs to happen to keep the flow of unwanted water and debris. Then things get clogged, or the unwanted splashes onto the part that was once clean. And then the process starts all over again.

The pictures in my mind of cleaning my trailer and pulling the mats came back to me, mostly because I started using my horse trailer again so I knew I’d have to repeat this grueling process. But I knew it wouldn’t be as tough as it was before, because I had already done a lot of heavy lifting. Still, it was worth it to continue to show up and rope than sit and look at a clean trailer not being used when it’s going to get traded in at the end of the month regardless of what I do.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2

This process of inner washing is not exclusive to my horse trailer, and I realized there was another part of my life that needed some pressure washing: my mind. As this revelation came to me while I was driving, it all became so clear. How many times have we processed through a situation, forgiveness, shame, guilt, or any other weight of this world, but left some residual? It was time to pull the mats out of my mind, and get thorough, because I had some dirt I was still hanging onto.

Forgiveness, Onions, and Shreck the Ogre all have something in common: layers. The first layer of the onion merely begins the process, but it’s not the whole process. We’ve been told unforgiveness hurts us, not the other person, but what does that really mean? For me, it was realizing that I was forgiving people how I thought I should forgive them, in my own power. But was it the same way I would want to be forgiven? Was it the same way I would want Jesus to forgive me?

That revelation hit heavy on my heart. And one of the people who I was harboring unforgiveness with was myself. I think there’s been times I’ve swept out that part of my mind, but never pulled up the mats, did the deep work, and truly pursued forgiving myself for my own past mistakes like I would want Jesus to forgive me. And if Jesus would do it for me, I know I could, with His help, pursue this same forgiveness with others.

I went from feeling as heavy as the main mat in the back of my trailer to so light I could fly away. So if we are called to renew our minds, what does it look like to walk it out? As I pondered the question, again while driving, two words came to mind: Reaction versus Response. Both are in my control but have different drivers.

Reactions are driven by feelings or emotion, giving into whatever immediate action my flesh wants to take. A responder is someone who sees the situation and immediately takes responsibility to assist and make the situation better. Wow. What a difference. How many times have I been a reactor instead of a responder?

I believe that the distinction between these two words creates atmosphere for the renewing of our minds. Reactions can set roots of bitterness or guilt, and let feelings take over. Response takes responsibility at the front end and allows grace and mercy to permeate before the natural feelings of this world can. My reaction can only feed the situation for what it is. But my response can change the situation for everyone, even if it is the more difficult place to come from.

Can I tell you the freedom I felt when my response changed? I felt like my heart expanded and widened greater than my body could hold. My heart response was calling to my faith to come up higher, and I couldn’t because of the weight I was carrying. What are you carrying that feels heavy? Who are you harboring unforgiveness or bitterness towards? Is one of those people yourself? It’s time to peel the onion, my friend.

Mat pulling is messy. It requires so much more than just a first pass, as does the renewing of your mind. We all have those corners, boxes, and shadowed places we think if we ignore will just go away. But they don’t. And they won’t until you pull back the mat and respond with faith that if Jesus could do what He did on Calvary, there’s grace and mercy for all of us. And that includes grace and mercy for yourself.

The first peel of the onion, or peeling up of the mats can be messy. And it can splash into areas which were once clean and reveal that maybe there’s more work to be done. But we can’t sit on the sidelines, or isolate. We know that when we continue to show up, there will be more work to be done. But this is where revelation and growth come from. This is what proves the perfect will of God. Things that grow need atmosphere to live in.  

Atmosphere creates the space which decides what can survive. Your response rather than reaction has an atmosphere where grace, mercy, and true freedom can live. They can’t live in a reactive place. So, dig in this week, and pull up the mats. I can promise you the weight of pulling and power washing is well worth the weightless freedom you’ll find after you renew your mind. And don’t be afraid to dig in to another layer.